This thought that I am moving to Haiti has been in the forefront of my mind since I got home in February. However, it hasnt felt real, until this last week. Alot of 'finalizing' things have happened in the last 5 or so days. I put in my 'two-weeks' at work, bittersweet. I am excited that I made it official that I am leaving, but I am scared because it means I have to trust the Lord will provide when I get back...I was reminded at church yesterday that faith is NOT a one time decision, it is a continual process, well my faith and ability to trust is being stretched to the max. At church on Sunday our church 'sent-off' Zac, we all gathered around him and prayed for him and his upcoming journey, he leaves on the 17th. While we were praying for him I was overwhelmed with emotions, this journey that we will be taking is rapidly approaching, even though he is leaving about a month sooner than Cameron and I, it just made things real. If you are interested in following Zac and his journey or supporting him in anyway check out his blog : http://zacmarcengillhaiti.blogspot.com/
A couple of weeks ago at church I was feeling overwhelmed and alone with my emotions, I wanted words for what I was struggling with but I didn't have them (I still dont) so I went and spoke to this lady. She asked me what was wrong and I told her I felt alone and scared and overwhelmed by what I was getting myself into and I didnt know how to put words to what I was feeling, and she said "why?" My response was "I dont know" she asked me again, "why?" I wanted to scream, "I dont know" but rather I was silent for a good few minutes and realized I was frustrated because I felt like I didn't 'have it all together'. You see, I am a planner, I like to see how things are going to work out, and when I can't see the bigger picture it frustrates me. You would think by this point in my life I would get over it, God has NEVER allowed me to see the bigger picture from the beginning and it has ALWAYS turned out to be a bigger blessing than I could have ever expected. I guess that proves my humanness and despite the fact that I may act like I have it all together, if I am honest, I DONT. This lady hugged me and said "Rebekah, you are NOT big enough to de-rail Gods plans, and you don't have to have it all together before talking to someone about it." I felt like I was smacked in the face, but I was smacked in the face with THE TRUTH...wow how encouraging, I am NOT big enough to de-rail Gods plans, and He will use me DESPITE me...
I wish I had words to put to my emotions today, but the reality is I dont, and I am learning to be okay with that. I am finding myself being distracted by things that have never distracted me before, the reality of not sleeping in my own bed is beginning to set in, not having a hot shower, not being able to text or call my friends at any given moment...These are things I have never thought would be difficult to give up, but as this journey gets closer I am finding myself already missing these 'things' but when I look at the bigger picture, the joy those kids fill me with and serving exactly where I am supposed to be FAR outweighs the satisfaction I could ever receive from having disposable use of my cell phone or taking a hot shower. In a conversation with someone a couple of years ago about why mission trips give you this 'spirtual-high' it was explained to me that when we head out to particpate on a 'mission trip', wherever that may be, your backyard or across the world, we are as close to heaven on earth as we can possibly be. We are sacrificing 'our' lives and (hopefully) 'our' agenda for the kingdom of God. It is in these moments when we realize that this life is NOT about us, but rather loving God and loving others.That is what the rhythms of the kingdom look like, individuals dying to themselves and taking up their cross and following Christ. I am overwhelmed to think that the Lord is using me in this way, to deny myself of the 'comforts' of America and follow what I believe the Lord has laid before me. Its the moments when I sit down and think about the journey I am about to embark on that I feel ill-equipped and not good enough, a quote by St. Francis of Assisi comes to my: “If God can work through me, he can work through anyone.” My prayer is that I will do just that ALLOW GOD to WORK THROUGH ME, I must remove myself from the equation and trust that Gods plan is bigger than mine, and there is a reason He is using me...I hope this all makes sense, as I stated earlier I dont really have words to put to my emotions, but want to try and document how I am feeling leading up to May 12th, 2011.
All of that to say I would like to ask for prayer...Prayer for my spirit, that the attacks will stop, or rather that I will be able to withstand them, prayer that I will put on the armor of God DAILY, prayer for my emotional 'instability' at the moment, and prayer for the rest of the finances that I need. I leave the states in just under one month and am still in need of $2,500...if you are able to support me please dont hesitate to contact me, I will answer any questions you may have... rebekahpeoples@aol.com.
Thank you again for taking time to read my story
Much Love,
Rebekah
