Life & Death - not for the weak at heart...

This week I have had to learn to cling to Isaiah 65:19-20 “I will rejoice over Jerusalem and delight in my people. And the sound of weeping and crying will be heard no more. No longer will babies die when only a few days old.” What a difficult scripture to have to learn to cling to. Life in Haiti is full of hardship, and honestly we see a lot of it day in and day out living here. We see children so malnourished we are unsure if they are going to make it, and then watch them come to full health, and on the other end we see children who are unhealthy and lose their battle in this life. This week we witnessed two babies lose their battle. Josiah (6 weeks old) and Katiana (about 6 days old) both lost their fight. What I am about to say may sound cold or calloused but please bear with me and continue reading, the Lord always has a way of showing up. When I heard of Josiahs death my heart was heavy for the little boy and for Tina, the woman who was caring for him, but I didn’t cry or show emotion – it almost felt normal. This feeling made me quite angry to be honest, I didn’t want to become calloused to the injustice and pain that we see day in and day out in this place but at that moment I felt like that was happening. In the six weeks that I have been here I have helped care for a baby in the hospital who was considered septic, I have seen numerous parents come and try and drop off their children either because they honestly didn’t care about them any longer, or they cared about them so much they wanted to give them a better life, I have seen car accidents, I have witnessed numerous people lose their battle for life. Once you see these things day in and day out it’s almost as if you can’t allow yourself to process the events. However, a group we had in a few weeks ago made a statement that I was reminded of this week. In struggling with not being vulnerable with my feelings (which if you know me, you know isn’t like me) I was getting frustrated, but reminded that I have been praying for MONTHS for strength to endure whatever may come my way while in Haiti, and now that the Lord has given me the strength to deal I am frustrated because I want to feel – sorry Lord for not recognizing when you provide! Baby Josiah passed away on Sunday and they had the service on Sunday evening, Cameron (my brother) went to help shuttle people to the funeral, not expecting to stay, and then he did. He came back pretty quiet, not saying much besides “that’s the smallest casket I have ever seen”, I didn’t ever want to hear those words again. We didn’t talk much about it, everyone walked around heavy hearted the rest of the day and on Sunday we received the call that Katiana had passed away. Katiana was born at 1lb 11oz and we were caring for her here until she began having difficulties breathing and our breathing machine was not working for her, she was transferred to the local hospital where she lived for about two days. Katiana brought a lot of firsts to my life. I have never seen a living being as small as she was, she was fully formed and BEAUTIFUL, the Haitian people just have beautiful features, I can’t get enough of them. She was also the first infant funeral I had ever attended, and I could care less to ever attend one again, there were about 30 people there, our staff, Tina’s staff, kids, and the group she had in. Pastor Maxi preached mostly in English but all of the songs were sung in Kreyol. The entire service I was begging for the Lord to show up and remind me that He was there, asking that He would grab ahold of my heart and remind me of the reality of what I was witnessing. While we were singing I begged that I would just be able to understand something! Just about that time he started singing a song that I knew the tune to, it was It Is Well, they were singing in Kreyol but I knew exactly what they were singing. I didn’t ask the Lord for them to sing in English, or for me to understand Kreyol, but just to understand, and at that moment I understood “It is well with my soul….” Thank you Lord for showing up. At that moment I started to cry, but held it together the best I could since some of Tina’s kids were sitting next to me, I wanted to be strong for these young girls who just lost a sister. As we walked out I was holding the hand of one of the little girls who came and sat next to me and Tina’s brother came up to me and said this is Shirley, she doesn’t really go to anyone, you should feel special. Those few words had more meaning than he could even begin to understand, while praying that the Lord would show up, I also asked Him to remind me of the miracles we see every day and that I was here to serve the children of Haiti. This little girl knew I loved her even though we had never met….It was a beautiful moment. We walked next door to where Katiana was to be buried. In Haiti the ‘tombs’ are above ground and made of cement, when it is time to burry someone they take a pick and pick at the cement until they get a spot large enough for the casket, they then place the casket in the ‘tomb’ and carry water from the closest water source to mix with the cement to re-patch it. This family allowed us to purchase a burial spot for this baby girl. We watched as they re-cemented it and Shirley wanted to be held. I held her and the neighbor woman saw and brought me a chair to sit in with her. Shirley just laid her head on my shoulder as we sang songs in Kreyol and honored this babies life. After the service was finished we began walking back home, I left Shirley with Tinas brother-in-law, I told her she was beautiful and I loved her “Ou Belle! Mwen Renmen Ou”. Once we got back home, everything that had happened in the last two days hit me, I called my mom to chat about what I was feeling and the emotions I was holding in just began flooding out. The Lord reminded me that He will give me the strength when I need it, and allow me to process when it is time. I sobbed on the phone with my mom telling her about our last few days, she cried as well. Never in my life did I think this is what my life would entail…
On Monday a woman came to our house with her two youngest children, she has a total of seven. She explained how poor she was and she wanted her kids to go to school and be able to eat, as well as enjoy the basic necessities of life. Despite how heart-breaking it is to see children leave their families, it is beautiful to know the life they will now have the potential of having. Our purpose is to be the last-resort for families if they are unable to care for their children, we want to keep the families together, but if it is for the sake of the child’s life we will bring them in. These children had extreme signs of malnourishment so we knew it would be best to take them in. All of our new children have to be tested for TB as well as HIV. As soon as I saw these children my heart melted, as it often does here. I asked the mom if I could hold the little girl, she said yes. She told me she is a good baby and doesn’t cry ‘le pa kre’ (sp) I took her in while Diane gave her, her TB and HIV test, she did so well and just stared at me the entire time. I then went and got the young boy, with his blondish curly hair! He was gorgeous. I held him for his TB and HIV test as well. We then made the mom and boy a bowl of food, chicken, rice, and plantains. I have never seen someone so thankful to just have food to eat. The boy inhaled it and I made him another bowl…The mom just kept saying “Mesi, Mesi, -you are so helpful” Both of the children are HIV negative praise the Lord, and we will read their TB test today, pray for negative results. The baby girl may sleep in a pak-n-play in my room…It was over as soon as she looked in my eyes! After the two deaths we experienced, a baby girl and boy, the Lord was blessing this family with another baby girl and boy. Thank you Lord for little reminders that you ARE HERE, and YOU ARE faithful!
I know the beginning of this entry was pretty heavy but it is the reality of our lives here in Haiti. Please pray for all of our staff and Tina and her staff as we all endure this loss.
Now, for some more positive things.
On Sunday, Zac, my friend from Nashville who is working for Hands and Feet at our Grand Goave site, brought over a couple of our friends from Be Like Brit. They are staying at Mission of Hope with Zac and the Suttons. I have been trying to talk Ross and PJ into coming to Jacmel since I met them about 5 weeks ago ( I was their first friend according to them :o)) Well since they do not have a vehicle it has been difficult for them to plan a trip to head over the mountain. Zac decided he would come visit our kids here and bring Ross and PJ along (sorry Pat you weren’t here :-/) They arrived around noon on Sunday and we gave them the grand tour of our home here. They were so impressed with our buildings and how wonderful our kids were, how much English they spoke, and how they would just run and hug them! It was great to have them over and give them a little glimpse into our lives on the other side of the mountain. Jacmel and Grand Goave are very different so I wanted to make sure they got to see a little bit of the city. Zac drove us all to lunch at the Cyvadier Plage. Cameron, Stacie, and I all went with them. The guys were pleasantly surprised with the quality of the food and how many options we had here! I have been telling them all along and it just took them seeing to believe! PJ was very pleased with his club sandwich and Ross wished he had gotten the same thing; apparently we didn’t give him the heads up haha. After indulging in our meal that didn’t consist of rice and chicken we had ice cream and then drove down to the beach. Stacie and I sat in the bed of the truck with the guys and we just had the chance to talk about what life is like in Haiti. Even though our trip was cut short because of an emergency back here it was SO GREAT to see them. Growing up with three brothers I tend to feed off of sarcasm and Ross, PJ and Zac sure know how to dish out the sarcasm, it brought some good, much needed humor to all of our day! So thank you guys! Come hang out with us and the kids soon!
I still cannot believe we have been over six weeks. I guess I thought I would have been over it by now, but the longer I am here the longer I want to stay. Despite my smelly clothes and lack of sleep I love every moment of every day. I am so unclear as to where the Lord is guiding me so prayer for direction is so coveted. I know the need for staff with HAF is needed both stateside and in country but I also know not everyone can live in Haiti, so I feel as if I am being outright disobedient if I chose to not stay. I am so close to finishing school and that is something I have been working towards for the last seven years, however, I want to make sure I am following the Lords plan for my life not my own, or the “American Dream” for that matter. I know that statement may be controversial, but I don’t want my life to reflect the American Dream, I want it to reflect without a shadow of doubt sacrifice to the King who has saved me, to the One who even when I doubt, He still IS, the One who shows up in simple songs, the One who allows friendships to be built and fellowship to happen when you have no one else, to the One who has grown my brother and my relationship dramatically in the last six weeks, the one who brings life despite death, the One who I don’t deserve, the One who saved the 56 kids that I act as ‘mom’ to, I need to sacrifice my life to the one who IS!
Continuing the Journey,
Bek