Friday, December 30, 2011

Remembering my first Love and His story...


Lately everyone has been talking a lot about stories and the roles they play in our life. This shouldn't surprise me since my church is focused on stories. All of that to say, I have been reflecting a lot on my story, why I am who I am, why I do what I do, and how I got to where I am today. As days go by I learn more and more about myself, the things I want, the things I need, the things I THINK I want, the things I THINK I need, what I value as important or unimportant, who I value as important or unimportant and how each of these thoughts or ideas, whether conscious or subconscious, affect the decisions I make each and every day, they affect the conversations I have and how I have them. I want to give you a little history, but nothing too crazy since I know you have better things to do then sit at your computer and read about my story and why I feel like getting in my head space is important, maybe it’s not, maybe this is just a good outlet for me, but regardless.

Why I am who I am: I have the MOST amazing family a girl could ask for. Brothers who love well, sister-in-laws who are much more than “in-laws”, nieces and nephews that are amazing, and parents who brought us all, and keep us all together. My parents raised us to understand His story, and displayed true love with every interaction. Yes, I know nobody is perfect, no family is perfect, but our imperfections are beautiful to me. I credit a lot of who I am to my family and their portrayal of what True Love is.


Why I do what I do: If you know me, you know I am a passionate person; I have no shame in telling you what I care about. In 2007 I had an experience that would forever change my life, and ignite a passion in me that I could not even begin to comprehend, a passion that would take me outside of my comfort zone and into five different countries, one of which I knew I had to return to (if you can’t guess that country just check my blog address J ). That year I had a conversation with a twelve year old girl in Jamaica who told me she was afraid of ‘gunshot’ but because we came that day and told her about Jesus she was no longer going to be afraid and the devil was not going to win (obviously I am summarizing tremendously, but if you want to know more I will elaborate later). In that moment I knew without a doubt in my mind that I was to use my passion to speak up for those who didn’t have a voice, the orphan, the poor, the powerless. The Lord was empowering me to use my passionate personality to glorify Him; instead of myself and what I THOUGHT was important. Why me? I’m not worthy; my story is too full of baggage. How could He POSSIBLY use me?

How I got where I am today: After this passion to speak for the orphan, the poor, the powerless was ignited in me the Lord began opening door after door after door. He started opening doors to this country I knew little to nothing about, He spoke to me in clear ways, that I was to go to Haiti, and I was supposed to take people with me. With a lot of doubt, fear, anxiety, uncertainty, and a bazillion other emotions, I slowly, by no strength of my own, began walking through these doors that were opened, one by one next thing I knew I was leading a group of individuals to the Hands and Feet Project in Haiti. I asked myself again, why me? How could He POSSIBLY use me? It was then that I was reminded of His story… This God that I served, the One who ignited this passion in me, came to this earth, took on human flesh so that He could feel temptation, feel anxiety, feel doubt, and fear but NOT give in to it all. He did all of that, and was then crucified because He KNEW that I would give in, that I couldn’t resist the temptations of this world. His story told me that I was worth it…His story told me that He could use me because He created me, His story told me to go, and so I did. Did it get rid of the fear, anxiety, doubts, etc...? No, but it didn’t matter, because I had Him to lean on. After our first trip I knew that Hands and Feet was an organization I wanted to be a part of, I wanted to share in their story of sharing His story. We committed to returning once a year as long as we could, but after year two I wanted more. I wanted to know the “ins and outs” how you go about caring for orphans, what sort of work happens on ‘this side’ of things. That’s when the doors began opening for me to be a part of this story here (again, obviously summarizing, but if you want to hear more, I’d be happy to share). In 2010 I left home in Cali and made the treck across the United States to move to Nashville, to finish school and be a part of the Hands and Feet story here. I feel like this is important to share because even though days may be hard being away from my family, and beating myself up for not being finished with school already, the Lord brought me here and has BLESSED me in tremendous ways. I am honestly living a little bit of a dream, and if I am honest that ugly thing called fear creeps back in and I am afraid I am going to wake up from this dream.

Needs and Wants: As thankful as I am for everything that has happened in my life over the last few years, there is still a ‘void’ that has yet to be filled. Since I was a little girl I had planned on being married when I was twenty-two, my mom married at twenty-two, my two older brothers married at twenty-two, it just made sense…Twenty-two is when you were supposed to get married.. Well apparently not for me. Twenty-Two has come and gone, and twenty-three, and twenty-four, working on twenty-five; and that ‘want’ has not yet been given to me. As I sit here and reflect on what I want I am convicted more so about what the Lord wants for me. I am brought back to a place in 2006 when I hit my ‘rock-bottom’ and I heard an audible voice tell me “Rebekah, until you can depend on Me, and Me alone, I am not giving you anybody”; I was broken and seeking fulfillment in earthly relationships, seeking fulfillment based on my timeline and He told me He had something more for me. I did great for a long period of time, seeking Him first, asking Him to continue to reveal Himself to me, and then it became routine…I slowly found myself no longer seeking Him with all of my heart and soul, but just living day to day, and that void returned. I desire a beautiful Christ-centered relationship, but today I am reminded that He desires that of me. Is it wrong to desire to be married? No, but when that desire is stronger than your desire for the Lord it, like anything else becomes an idol. These ‘things’ may not even be ‘bad things’ that you long for, or give all of your attention to, but when it exceeds your desire to love Him, serve Him, and be intentional in your relationship with Him it becomes unhealthy.. As I began writing this blog post yesterday a friend of mine (who I haven’t talked to in almost a year mind you) called me and shared a scripture that he had been convicted of and I feel like it is so fitting:

I see what you have done, your hard work, your refusal to quit. I know you cannot stomach evil, that you weed out apostolic pretenders. I know your persistence, your courage in my cause, that you never wear out. BUT you walked away from your first love-why? What’s going on with you anyway?” – Revelation 2:2-4 (The Message)

I have desires, I have wants, I have passions, but I don’t EVER want to forget my first love, the One who made ALL stories possible.

I definitely did not write/process everything I wanted to, soooo “to be continued

Continuing the journey,
Bek

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