Shock, Guilt, Anger, Sadness, Adjustment, Reconstruction, Acceptance

As many of you have heard our Children s Village in Jacmel, Haiti was robbed nearly two weeks ago. It happened early morning of November 19th. The following entry is how I processed the event...Forgive me if it gets jumbled, I am still processing, but felt like it was fair for all of you to know how you can be praying for our team.

SHOCK- On November 19th my brother who was home from Haiti with me for Thanksgiving came in my room and woke me up in a panic, I was not completely coherent yet since we had just gotten back to my house from Haiti late the night before, I was exhausted and in a pretty deep sleep. Anyway, he woke me up extremely panicked saying "Jacmel, got robbed! I knew it would happen right when we left, I cant believe it!" I jumped out of bed and immediately started making a couple of phone calls. Got on facebook and I already had numerous messages from people asking me what had happened. I was still in shock, this couldn't happen to us, nothing like this has ever happened before. I knew it was a possibility because of the recent stent of robberies in the area made against other missionaries, but it still remained unreal. The only way I can think to describe it was SHOCK. We finally got word that everyone was okay and that the men had taken a large amount of money and electronics, but they did not physically harm anyone. Praise the Lord. The rest of the day my brother and I walked around in disbelief. This place that we had been visiting for years, where 67 of some of the most amazing children I know call home, this place I had called home for the last three months, and my brother calls home currently, this place where people who I consider my family call home now, had been violated, and there was not a thing I could do about it. All I could think of was I needed to get down there. I needed to hug the kids and grasp my family and let them know I loved them, I hadn't said it enough.

GUILT- After being on the phone all day with staff and family I think the shock of the event had began to wear off, I continued processing and found myself feeling guilty. The reality had set in that myself, my brother, Dana, Tamara, and a group had left the day before. We hadn't been staying in Jacmel just as a precaution but we had visited Jacmel that Wednesday so we could see the kids and staff. However, my brother, Tamara, and Dana had been staying in Jacmel. This was really hitting home. Cameron and I started talking and I was feeling bad that I wasn't there, and so was he. I mean, why not us? We were JUST there, one of the rooms they broke into was my room this summer, it was the room where Dana and Tamara had slept, one of the other rooms was my brothers room, currently, and the other was home to our newest staff members, people who had sacrificed a lot to move to Haiti to serve and this is how they were welcomed? Why them? Why not us? Why Stacie, why Cam, why Carrie, why Stephen, why Matt, why Kyle, why Josue, why?

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,neither are your ways my ways,declares the LORD." Isaiah 55:8

Not to say that God 'made' this happen to these loved ones, but He was telling me, "Rebekah I know what I am doing, I am in control." I wanted to be in control, I didn't want them to hurt, I wanted to take whatever emotions they were going through from them. I did not understand why it wasn't us. Well, in retrospect I am certain there were a ton of reasons. When I was talking to Stacie, and she was talking through the grieving process with me that she is dealing with (obviously much different than my process since she walked through it) she was asking the same "why" questions, but asking why her, etc. I told her that I have to believe that the Lord knew what He was doing. If anybody could handle a violation of that sort it would be them. For me, my struggle with anxiety, I literally would have probably died of a heart attack from fear. Cameron, is a reactor, he would have tried to defend himself, and in turn could have put more people in harm. Although it does not take the GUILT away, I am thankful that His ways are not mine.

ANGER- After getting over the shock of the event, and the guilt that I carried I began to get angry. Who does that? Who steals from those who are trying to help them? Who takes from children? Who thinks it is okay to make their own way into a home that is not theirs? Did they think of the repercussions of their actions, who it would affect? That whatever they took wouldn't fix what they are looking for? Ugh, apparently I am still dealing with the anger part because it makes me mad as I type this. I found myself praying that justice would be served, these men would be caught and 'get what they deserved' and then He whispered

"God is just: He will pay back trouble to those who trouble you and give relief to you who are troubled" 2 Thessalonians 1:6-7

This isn't my battle. I was reminded of the deep voodoo traditions that are ingrained within this culture and knew that this was not a battle that we could fight.

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."Ephesians 6:12

SADNESS- So by now I had been in shock, felt guilty, and then was just plain pissed. Then the sadness hits, the 'what-if' game (which is not healthy for anyone I might add). I just wanted to talk to Stacie, one of my best friends, the girl I shared a room with all summer, who I met in February and knew from that moment that we would be close forever. I wanted to hear from Cam, to know that he was okay and was going to be able to recover from the feeling of helplessness. I wanted to hear from the Mulligans, this couple I barely know but feel like I have known forever, to encourage them that life in Haiti truly is great despite the opposition they had come against. I was simply SAD, I just wanted to cry. I had school that evening and remember getting a text from my brother saying he was crying and just didn't get it. We were both so sad... so, so sad. Our family was hurting and there was not a thing we could do about it. We clung to each other, Tamara, and Dana, they knew how we were feeling, we all stayed in touch with one another since we did not have contact with our family in Haiti. We begged for the "Joy of the Lord, to be our strength." Because, we sure as heck didn't have any.

ADJUSTMENT- I began accepting that there was nothing that could be done about the way I was feeling, I had to let my emotions do what they were going to do. The team in Haiti began moving forward with the transition process. Stacie had to come back to the states to get her heel taken care of that she had broken during the event, the team remaining in Jacmel had to move all of our staff and children to a safe temporary location. Our priority is safety of our staff and kids, and our team believed at that time that Jacmel was not the safest option. They began transporting 50+ children to another location. Thankfully the majority of the kids had no idea what had happened, or at least had not witnessed it, so to them this was a little vacation, and they were excited. I imagine this moment being bitter sweet for the staff, being ready for a new adjustment, but we cannot ignore the fact that they were leaving their home. In Haiti you cling to the little that you have that is comfortable because so much of life there is uncomfortable. Yet, the team that went through this, I believe, 'get' this, they did what they had to do, letting go of any bit of comfort that 'home' may have given them.

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-21

RECONSTRUCTION- After adjusting to this new transition of having moved all of our staff and kids the reconstruction process began. I really wish I was there for this part. All of our HAF kids were now living in the same location and had to adjust, had to reconstruct some things, many things to make this work, but the children made sure it happened. During the reconstruction process the group of children whose home was about to be invaded welcomed their 'cousins' with open arms. The boys said, "we should all share beds so they have beds to sleep on", the girls gave up their second uniform for school for the other girls to wear so they would not feel ' out of place' wearing a different uniform than all of the other children. Mind you, these are kids who came from an ugly situation just a few short years ago, where they had NOTHING of their own, and not even enough of ANYTHING to share, and they were willing to give up what was 'theirs' to ensure their guests felt comfortable. We can learn a lot from children and their willingness to sacrifice. There has been a lot of reconstruction on this end as well, I have had to forget the beginning of this grieving process and move forward so I can do everything in my power to help where help is needed. Decisions have to be made, money has to be raised, emails need to be responded to. A lot to get done to continue this reconstruction, but I can tell you right now the Lords hand has certainly been in this. Relationships are being nurtured and lives are being changed. Someone posted this quote today and I find it perfectly fitting for this step:

‎"The hand of God seems intent on bringing meaning out of randomness, purpose out of chaos."

ACCEPTANCE- Now this is a tough one, not sure I have even began this process yet, nor am I certain that anyone in the HAF family has began this process. There is still a lot of grieving and healing to do and I am sure there will be for awhile, but we can say with certainty that the Lord is moving each of us forward and we trust that He will heal each of us. It will be a long journey and for many of us it will be much longer for some than others, but we have each other to lean on and to encourage one another, when days are hard, and nights are long we are here for one another. Everyone who is a part of this team, and that includes you, those of you who commit to praying for us daily, those of you who support this journey we are on, who walk alongside of us, thank you.

You may have recognized those 'steps' as the grieving process, and like I stated earlier it is the best way I could think to put words to my emotions. There is so much going on and I am certain there will be for a long time. So let me tell you how to pray, but first let me tell you why to pray, not just because you can, but because the Lord answers specific prayers. Below is a post from Stacies blog but it is a conversation that we had...that gives me the chills EVERYTIME I think about it, everytime I read it, just acknowledge that this moment really happened. She has already worded it, so I am not going to even pretend like I can put words to it:

"During those moments, Carrie kept repeating "Jesus is here, Jesus is with us" and it was so very calming to my heart.
And I think it was her repeating those sweet reminders that made me remember another specific verse.

It was a verse I had just days before written as encouragement on the wall of an fellow missionary friend who had been robbed. Psalm 34:7.

"The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and He delivers them."

As I remembered the words of that verse, those precious words, I got this vision of this great and mighty army of angels encamped in a circle all around us, acting like a divine barrier of protection between us and the men.

And then I understood why God had us in what seemed like THE WORST possible place in the whole compound, out in the open and exposed.
He was showing me that His mighty army of angels needed us there so that His whole army had room to protect us....because really what seemed like the worst place to be was actually THE BEST place we could be.

It was the most bizarre thing that has ever happened to me.
I don't want to sound like a whack job, but I promise you the visions that I saw were so clear, so profound, that it was almost like God was allowing me a glimpse into the unseen world to show me His greater purpose of our situation that I would have never grasped, never understood the purpose in being in that scary of a situation, if He didn't.

But God's Kingdom is always like that, isn't it?
Things are backwards.
Things that should make sense don't, things that shouldn't make sense do, and when you're most tempted to think God is no where to be found, really He's closer than you could ever imagine.

Days later, I was telling this to one of my best friends, Rebekah.
She told me she couldn't believe I was saying those words. Because the night before the break in, she was at our sister site in Grand Goave, and had prayed these words for us: "Lord, I pray You'd send a mighty army of angels to surround that compound and to keep them safe."
The very same words.
She prayed those very same words.
Wow.
We sobbed together at the faithfulness of our Lord.
And how everything, EVERYTHING, points to His glory."

Did you catch that? The EXACT thing that my mom and I prayed for on the phone on Thursday night in Haiti became a reality on that early Saturday morning. Wow..

You may be reading this wondering how I can be affected so dramatically when I wasn't even there...all I have to say to that is, "The Haiti Connection" I don't get it, and don't think I ever will, but I know the Lord has bonded me with these people for a reason so I'll take it...

Now onto what you can pray for. Pray for safety of our staff and children, pray that these men will be caught, and as difficult as it is to say, more importantly that they will come to know Christ through this, pray for our children as they are in a much tighter space right now, pray they will be thankful for a safe place, pray for funding to replace all that was stolen, pray for healing for our staff that was violated, and the children who witnessed it, pray that the Lord will use ALL of this for His glory, that His story will shine through this even if we can not currently see it, pray for rest for our staff, pray for all of the other missionaries who have been violated as well, pray for their healing and funding needed to replace what was stolen. Lastly, pray that none of us EVER forget how He showed up that night, when THEY arrived, HE was there with HIS army...

If you are able to donate to help with the funds that were stolen you can do so here

If you want to read about the other ministries affected by these robberies you can do so here, and here

I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to read this, and the time to pray for us, it means the world to me and I know it means the world to the entire Hands and Feet family.

Still continuing this journey,
Bek